Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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