Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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