He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
last night I used snow as a chaser
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
