and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
