$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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