Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
