Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
