Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
