Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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