It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
