there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
