dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
