I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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