So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
now i know why i became what i already was.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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