he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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