I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
