I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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