I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
