Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
