He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize