what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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