Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
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Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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