The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
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He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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