I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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