Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
