drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't deserve a penis
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Terrible idea I love it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
