TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
