Betty ford says i'm here all night
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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