She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
