I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
