Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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