I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
