nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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