Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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