Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
