i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
