After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
