dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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