if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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