the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
