This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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