i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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