Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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