My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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