So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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