On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My vagina just clenched in fear
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
