my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
