I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
