The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
