i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
