his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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