the condom got lost in my hair
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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