I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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