There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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