So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I want her autograph on my taint
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
