One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
