Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
