We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
