I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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